Seriously Stranded

10^th June - 14^th July – Days 253-287 – Stories from Strand, South Africa

Introducing South Africa's greatest soap - “Seriously Stranded”

A selection of characters from the Strand soap opera.

Carl

Occupation : Barman

Repertoire of jokes : Large (almost entirely sourced from sickipedia.com)

Quality of jokes : Poor (probably due to poor sourcing)

Generosity as a barman : Extreme. A lot of free shots “on the barman” came our way and the majority of our over-the-top evenings came as a result of Carl's benevolence rather than the amount of beer which we bought ourselves. Probably done so that we would laugh at his jokes.

New shot added to repertoire : Galliano hotshots, learnt from M. “This is great, it's much cheaper!”

Amount of abuse taken from M : Much. Most notably, “Fuck off you fuckhead” was hurled across the bar as Carl insulted M's Italian football shirt. In the eyes of most of the bar, his comment was entirely justified but M took it rather badly.

Worst shot ever poured : A full metal jacket with low amounts of “nitro” cinnamon liqueur and large amounts of Stroh rum, which took us many minutes to recover from.

Loves : Pouring/suggesting full metal jackets (even incorrectly), Liverpool F.C., Spain's national football team, redheads (and mistaking non-redheads like M for redheads)

Hates : Ginger liqueur, misplacing his vuvuzela, being disastrously hungover the day after the World Cup Final due to excessive celebration of Spain's victory in the guise of “Spain-O-man”, his destructive cape-toting alter-ego.


Sparky

Occupation : Electronic Mr. Fix-it of doubtful repute

Lifelong Ambition : To fix M and T's laptop, despite the fact that they kindly turned the offer down when the price descended to 2 pints of beer.

Appearance : Overgrown.

Worst Investment : A second-hand TV which he promptly dropped and broke.

Wants to learn : To speak Danish

Loves : Fixing things, his collection of sticks which he always carries around (“cos if I get mugged I can whack them on the head, grab their knife and stab 'em in the shoulder!”)

Hates : Going out without a stick, elevators and the Table Mountain cable car


Chris

Occupation : Barman

Abuse suffered from M : “You're a baaaaaaaad barman!!!” for refusing to buy her shots “like Carl does”

Favourite line to use with M : “Finish your bloody beer, woman!”

Person who he thinks has a secret agenda for him : M (surprisingly, given the above)

Appearance : Always dressed in a stripy rugby-style shirt/sweater, usually wearing a baseball cap

Loves : Argentina's football team, Afrikaner rap (much to the disdain of the rest of the bar staff), Shakira's song “Waka waka” (much to the disdain of the rest of the bar staff)

Hates : Being called “Carl”, being tricked into playing the Vengaboys, losing to T at the immense bar video game “11-Up”


Chris

Occupation : Unknown.

Nationality : American

Claims as a part-time occupation : Artist. That, despite the fact that his drawings appear suspiciously similar to photo print-outs.

Recent customer : M, who ordered art from him while drunk.

Ability to repay borrowed money : Low.

Claims that he quit his previous occupation : Because he was kidnapped by Nigerian gangsters and forced to dig his own grave while an AK-47 was repeatedly fired above his head.

Secret pride : How many swear words his 11-year old son learnt from “Team America” and how they were recycled in the presence of said son's grandmother.

Loves : reciting tales of adventure (not always entirely believable), playing on the Seafarer's slot machines, his son

Hates : Authority, being wrongly sent to jail (apparently), having his artwork accidentally set on fire.


Warren

Occupation : Tattoo artist.

Appearance : Mick-Jagger-esque

Has an uncanny ability to : Pass out in bars having consumed very little, leaving himself open to being used as a “buckaroo” stage by fellow bar patrons.

On one such occasion, was : Not woken up by a vuvuzela blown in his ear at very close range.

On the same such occasion, was : woken up in hilarious style by a kiss on the cheek from M.

Loves : Guy Ritchie, Quentin Tarantino, engaging everyone in conversation (while still awake).

Hates : Seemingly nothing.





















Jason

Occupation : Accountant

Learnt from T : The entire history of the Balkans in one particularly long and probably rather boring session

Has taught T and M : The definition of the Afrikaans word “kak”.

Wears : Football jackets of both teams playing during World Cup games, so that he can claim victory whatever happens

Is jealous of : M and T's ability to remember scores from obscure football matches of many years ago

Is very generous with : Giving lifts to Cape Town for those without vehicles (such as T and M)

Loves : The “San Francisco Spur” restaurant's R59,99 rib special, older women, golf.

Hates : Losing R1000 bets, EJ's bar (“Ach, that bar is kak”)


Estelle

Occupation : Barlady

Style as a barlady : Extremely enthusiastic

Rarely seen : not smiling

Noted exception to this : Disappointment expressed when T failed to win the “poncho challenge”, a lottery where one gains one entry per 5 shots of “poncho” coffee tequila drunk.

Loves : Winning on slot machines, when people drink quickly so that she can refill their glasses, Dixon (“that cute little thing”)

Hates : Football, when M and T leave the pub early (yeh folks, it happens)


Gerhard

Occupation : Waiter in another establishment

Appearance : joyful

Ability to stop talking when drunk : None

Secret pride : His car, which lacks 2 doorhandles, has a wobbly wheel, and a skeleton hanging from the rear-view mirror. “This is the safest car in South Africa, would anyone actually want to steal this car?”

Temporary aim in life : To hook up his 3-year-old son with a 4-year-old blonde girl.

Claim to fame : Will snort anything for R50 beer money. Is especially proud of the time he snorted a line of “Hot Az Hell Chilli Sauce”

Wears : The same top every day

Amount of times this talent has been displayed to T and M : None, despite regular requests.

Loves : Drinking, talking, his car, winding up Carl (a shared passion with M), recycling (for which he expresses a deep admiration for Europeans)

Hates : People who litter, people who waste food (“Dogs can eat bones”), movie critics (“They all slated “Lucky Number Seven” but it was great!”), being in pictures, the TV show “Jackass” (“they just copied everything from me! I did it all years before they did it!”)

Graham

Occupation : Changes regularly due to getting repeatedly fired

Appearance : Vicious

Nature : Warm and gentle

Honorary member of : A Miami Mexican street gang, due to beating them in a tequila drinking contest in a Miami bar.

Specialities : Being able to work hungover, getting fired only to find another job.

Favourite items of clothing : Jose Cuervo baseball cap, French football shirt.

Loves : Beer, gypsies, France (from which his family descends)

Hates : Italian football team (“Fuckin' eye-ties”)

Ivan

Occupation : Production manager for a pasta company

Origin : Bloemfontein

Opinions on his hometown : “Well, you can go there if you want, but frankly you wouldn't be missing much if you didn't”

Most people fitted on his scooter while drunk : 3

Furthest he can drive in his car before it breaks down : about 4km

Loves : Brandy, internet, Shadow and Tessa (guard dogs par excellence), his movie collection, gatsbies (enormous South African sandwiches), Russell Peters and Tim Minchin

Hates : When his dogs rip his drying clothes off his clothesline, having his house repeatedly broken into (problem solved with acquisition of dogs), visitors who pitch up without warning, housework/gardening, Carl's jokes (more than everyone else)

Stefan

Lives with : Carl

Never seen without : One of those green army jackets with a German flag on the side.

Is useful to Ivan because : He works in a pet shop and delivers 25kg sacks of dog food for Tessa and Shadow

Best sale ever made : Selling his spare German army jacket to Carl at an extortionate price

Loves : World of Warcraft and other online games, destroying everyone in the Animal quizzes on the “Buzz” computer game,

Hates : When Carl downloads enough music and movies to cause lag on the network hence slowing his Warcraft games down,

Guest starring :

Thomas the German : Came to visit his daughter many months ago but is now repeatedly seen in the Seafarer. Generally is rather respectable aside from the evening where Germany beat Argentina 4:0, left the bar in a state of general disarray but then reappeared 10 minutes later having been mugged for his phone. Sat around for 10 minutes shaking his head and then reattempted to go home.

Janus : Also referred to as “Danny de Vito” due to a shocking resemblance, he loves women in general but M in particular – enough to give her a hug at every sighting and, on one occasion, a scarf.

Louis : works at the rival bar “Bart's Tavern” but regularly kicks back at the Seafarer, sharing his opinions on everything (at length) from the negative karma of swearing to the doping scene affecting the Tour de France. Has a tendency to repeat himself even more than M does, which is rather spectacular.